Return of the Prodigal Curate

It has been five months since I've posted on this blog. Mostly because I was on medical leave for all that time. It was a long road to full recovery, but I'm glad to say that I'm there and that I'm feeling 100% better!

When I first learned that I was going to be off work for such a long time, I was really quite upset. Most of my friends couldn't quite understand that when I told them. They wondered who wouldn't enjoy taking that much time off?! And though I knew that it was the best thing for me and I knew that it was a great gift I was being given I found it incredibly difficult to come to terms with the fact that I NEEDED that time off.

I think I felt like I had failed at something.

Looking back, I would never have similar feelings about anyone else who had to go on Long Term Disability. In fact I would counsel them to accept the gift of time and use it to rest, relax, read and just basically do everything they could to make their lives more balanced and rich. The thought never would have crossed my mind that this person had failed. It was simply an unfortunate fact that they were ill and NEEDED that time off.

Why couldn't I be that loving to myself?

I think it actually took me three months or so to come to terms with the fact that I was in a vulnerable position and that out of necessity people were taking care of ME for a change. It was uncomfortable, that's for sure, but once I got used to it I realized that this was a way for other people to minister to me and that I should not cut people off from exercising their ministry.

And therein lay the biggest challenge for me...discovering who I am when I'm not able to minister to others. I was not really able to exercise my priestly ministry for most of 5 months. On top of that, I wasn't really able to be part of my spiritual community. I did not realize how vitally important it is to me to be a part of a spiritual community and to be involved with them on a regular basis in worship and in other events. I guess I took it for granted because I always just have had that community around me. It was hard for me to pray. I felt very alone (even though deep down I knew I wasn't alone).

And so I started reading - a lot. I read some great books and some not so great books, but in reading I felt like I was having spiritual conversations with others - at least with the author.

Three of my favourite books that I read during that time were:

Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Where God Happens by Archbishop Rowan Williams

I have to say though, reading Where God Happens affected me the most. Through that book I absolutely fell in love with the Desert Fathers and Mothers. I fell in love with their devotion, their grace, their love and their generosity. I love them I love them I love them.

I read a whole bunch of other books over the five months and I have now re-established a practice of reading that I had lost since leaving Seminary. In Seminary I read a gazillion books because I HAD TO. Now I can start to read books because I WANT TO and because I really do want to grow and change and be nurtured in my faith.

Anyway - this blog is huge already. I will try to wrap up.

I want to thank everyone who prayed for me during that time, and everyone who sent me a lovely card or a lovely message. It meant a lot to know that I was out of sight but not necessarily out of mind. I want to thank Dean Douglas Stoute and Fr. David Brinton for so graciously giving me all the time I needed to recover. I would like to thank Fr. Jeff and Fr. David Bousfield for all they did to cover for me during that time. And I would like to thank the Diocese of Toronto for all of their support and concern.

Of course I want to thank my family and friends who took such good care of me. My parents and sisters, my partner Matt and my friends...especially Heidi, who flew in from Vancouver to just hang out and care for me for a week.

I am feeling better than I have in 2 years. I am so excited to be back at the Cathedral and doing my thing!

I'M BACK!